[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
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I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
☠️☠️☠️
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this