I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
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Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
E
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.