The only good comments section online is on recipes
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Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.