Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
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The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Goat cheese is for herders.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!