Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
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Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.