If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
You Might Also Like
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.