If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
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Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose