I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.