I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Spring of Deception
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*