Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
You Might Also Like
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand