A dad and his duck
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I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number