Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
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Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’ve been learning to cook.