me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
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H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.