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Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Said the murderer.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur