Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
You Might Also Like
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating