I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
You Might Also Like
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family