Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
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TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I support this random dude and all his protests
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝