Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
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He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.