Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
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Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
This raises questions
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.