Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
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Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets