Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
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Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
We need more people like this.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.