I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us