So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
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*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
*offers Batman cough drops*
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.