me and my fake scenarios
You Might Also Like
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Well well well…
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep