Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
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10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.