How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
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Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
My dog after a walk in the woods.