CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Come back with a warrant
my mind
You just read my mind
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago