If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
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Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?