You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
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God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.