COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
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Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard