the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: ππππ I Dont know guys, leave me alone π
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Until ChatGPT learns to say, βyou promised me that chapter a month ago,β it will never replace editors
Donβt tell me what to do
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Not now mom Iβm downloading a new virus from Limewire
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
βLife is full of surprises,β I say as you open your shower curtain.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Me: I just played the βpoop in a bagβ trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Whereβd you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what itβs like to lose your child at the mall
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My kids wonβt stop fighting over a balloon in case youβre looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
βYou crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloweenβ I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, weβre having regular supper tonight, are you free
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no thatβs way too scary
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I donβt mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasnβt the same.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
If I were rich, Iβd have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkinβ
Come on down to Professor Cookieβs Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.