[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Duck typos.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.