Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
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Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk