waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
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trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
whatcha thinkin bout
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”