Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

the three branches of government

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

😂😂

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”