My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
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[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?