You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
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My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
2022 will be better than 2021
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.