[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
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Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
scares
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
selena gomez
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point