[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
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Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
wish me luck lads
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor