ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
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Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
lot going on here, legally speaking.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Still cracks me up
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all