Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
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I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.