*weighs self after shaving
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wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
the official breakfast of 2021
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen