Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
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What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*