Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
You Might Also Like
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
damn he’s good
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?