Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
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[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
2022 will be better than 2021
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.