the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
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Worst perfume name ever.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I love it all
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
this isn’t threatening at all
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!