Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
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[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
He a real one for that
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”