Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
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WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”