Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
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The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.