need him
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A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.